The Bus to Bergdorf's.......

I'm having afternoon tea with my dear friend W at Bergdorf's today......

It's one of my favorite things to do although I don't do it as frequently as I should....

I'm hoping that "tea" is code for "champagne" and I can almost smell the fresh baked scones as I sit here in my office.

I'm getting ready to leave and hope I've left myself enough time to get there because I'm taking the bus.....it's one of the best values in NYC ($2).

I usually take a book and catch up on my reading (something else I don't do as frequently as I should)....but maybe today I should work on an inspiring post for An Infertile Blonde......I know I owe you one.

At any rate, I must run......
Because this Infertile Blonde must go catch The Bus to Bergdorf's....

Love much,
xob

Biological clocks

Mine is ticking so loud I can barely sleep.

Love much,
xob

A Sign.....

As I walked to a meeting today I started to think about everything on my plate ---

Work, Helpusadopt.org, An Infertile Blonde, my second adoption, my life......

There's a lot going on.

It's all good.......

I'm giving it all I've got at the moment.

But what if its not enough?

Then I passed a construction site and saw this sign.......

It stopped me dead in my tracks.

I can give more......

and you can too.

Become your dream.......whatever that may be.

Love much,

xob

My heart is breaking.....

This weekend Jake told me he was ready to be a big brother.

Love much,
xob

I am still.......

It was touch and go for a few days.....

I've been distracted by work and just hadn't made the appointment.

But all is well.....

And I got my highlights done yesterday.

I still am An Infertile Blonde.....

Off to L's for cupcakes!

Love much,
xob

To my husband......

Thank you for everything.

Love much,
xob

Candyland……and My Friend L

My friend L lived in the house across from us in our old suburban neighborhood.

It still breaks my heart to think that it was just by chance that we ever met. What if she hadn’t moved in?

L and I became friends years before Jake arrived.

One of the most important things that you need to know about L is that she always had a fully stocked snack closet----yes closet---and it included a vast assortment of candy!

Not a cabinet.

Not a drawer.

But a closet.

We lived in a “Beaver Cleaver” neighborhood so I would usually find L’s back door open and would just walk in and make myself at home. I’d grab a perfectly chilled Diet Coke from the fridge and then see what treats awaited me in the snack closet.

And then of course I would call out to L to let her know I was there.

We’d hang out, talk, drink Diet Coke and eat Diet M&Ms (L’s secret code for peanut) ---

We used to have lunch together most weekdays and would email each other at 9:45 am wondering if it was too early to dive in.

There were frequent nights when I would look out the window to see if L’s lights were still on, call on the phone to check in and then run across the street in my pajamas to the snack closet for a fix.

God I miss those days.

When I moved to NYC L. gave me a monogrammed “snack bag” filled with treats.

Because she said my new neighbors might not have a snack closet.

It made me cry.

L has been known to suck the cream filling out of a Hostess cupcake with a straw……

This might be an urban legend that we just joke about……

I can’t even remember if she actually did it---but the fact is I wouldn’t put it past her!

L laughs at me for my new found health routine---no salt, no sugar and EXERCISE.

L calls me from the candy aisle in the grocery store just to check in.

L dreams of the day that Dunkin Donuts delivers to her house.

And the funniest thing is that L has the most amazing metabolism------you’d never guess she’s the original junk food junkie—she’s a perfect size 4!

So as I pack my bags for a visit to L’s house this weekend I know that I have to swing by CRUMBS for a dozen cupcakes.

Am pretty sure I would not be allowed in without them.

And I find myself dreaming of her snack closet (that has tripled in size since she moved) and the fact that I will be having cupcakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Love much,
xob

It's a Two Way Street

A great comment was recently made to my post of 1.23.09 “There are no rule books for this.”

And she’s absolutely right.

Short story: What happens to the “fertile” woman who gets pregnant and her “infertile” best friend disappears? Here is a link to the comment: FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN(scroll down to the last comment):
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=7209109634143071364&postID=2869609585857974079

While the pregnant woman acknowledges the uncomfortableness of the situation, she is still deeply hurt that her best friend just left----with no conversation. Nothing. And I have say I feel for her (the fertile woman) but I am not sure how to respond.

I have sat on my response for days.

There are so many things I want to say…..but where to start.

So I will do what I do best……I’m going to “wing it” .

I am not naïve. I understand that friendships don’t always last forever. But I don’t believe that they should end over the fertile/infertile issue. I believe the woman who wrote the post has every right to be severely hurt. I also agree that it would have been a very uncomfortable conversation but best friends should be able to work through that.

My friends know that I say this every day: Having children is hard---no matter how they come into this world. And we as women both infertile and fertile need to stick together and support each other for the courage and conviction it takes to make our way down our chosen road. Because in the end we are all mothers…..or godmothers…..or the best aunts ever!!!!

It’s not easy always do or say the right thing or take the high road. We’re not just talking about “biting your tongue” or telling someone you “like their haircut” we’re talking pregnancies, and infertile vs. fertile-----and for the infertile friend we’re talking about scraping the bottom of the emotional barrel. And that just plain sucks! But did the infertile friend think that you would put off getting pregnant until she had resolved her own infertility issues? Or, did she wish you to be infertile too? I cannot imagine either option to be true.

I think there are so many topics for which there never seem to be the right words: Death, Divorce, terminal illness, unemployment, bankruptcy, drugs and infertility. But why somehow does everyone manage with this list one way or another except for infertility????? This I don’t have an answer for but I sure wish I did. But I am going to do my part to change that.

I wonder why your infertile friend didn’t send you a card telling you she needed some time to find her way……I imagine it would have eased your pain? You would have understood and perhaps it would have eased you both into the uncomfortable conversation and cryfest? I speak with experience on this one.

If a card is not your style you could try the following:

Take the highest road possible, suck it up and be truly happy and supportive for your pregnant friend (because you really are) and let her enjoy being pregnancy----she deserves to.
If the highest road is not possible (and it might not be---because it IS REALLY HARD) then do something to COMMUNICATE----but do not disappear.

Leave a voicemail that you are so happy for her but in deep pain over your own issues. Let her know that your reaction is about you and not intended to detract from her happiness.
Send an email with a similar message

Send a smoke signal---ANYTHING----JUST COMMUNICATE with your friend. Somehow you MUST let them know that you need space. That you love them and can’t wait to be an aunt----but you are hurting.

My guess is that if addressed, this situation can bring friends even closer.

I also speak from the experience of having my heart stabbed with a fork (not literally).

I have had the mis-fortune to walk in both sets of shoes. I was pregnant (via IVF -- three times/three miscarriages) and I had a very close friend who went through many unsuccessful infertility treatments and was resigned to not having children.

When I first told her I was pregnant (2003) she said that she was “happy” for me but it was forced (that part was clear). And then she told me that if I ever wanted to come visit WITHOUT my child that I would be more than welcome in her house.

It was at that moment our friendship ended.

When she heard I miscarried she came back into my life like nothing had happened and I couldn’t believe it----I think she was actually happy that I was “back in her boat”.

When my friend did get pregnant in the summer of 2005 she emailed me the news. I never had the courage to address the situation because I really to this day cannot believe the conversation really happened and I can not believe that after all we’d been through she didn’t have the courage to pick up the phone.

But the conversation did happen. And she did send me the “announcement” email.

And I did not communicate.

And we are no longer friends.

One of the “big picture” objectives of Helpusadopt.org is to get the world comfortable with and talking about infertility and everything that is connected to it---like adoption---in the hopes that history doesn’t repeat itself down the road and that maybe, just maybe a few friendships will be saved.


Love much,
xob

My Journey To Become a Mother.....Part Four

January 2005

It was time to become parents.

We were terrified.

We felt all alone.

Even those who loved us most couldn’t help us or make this any easier.

There were so many uncertainties and no guarantees.

We could only feel secure in knowing that the lawyer we chose was quite capable, an adoptive parent himself who had been doing this for over 20 years.

Our adoption was going to cost approximately (including travel etc..) $40,000 (after tax dollars).

Costs:
Our lawyer, home study, social worker visits, birthmother’s lawyer, birthmother’s monthly expenses, birthmother’s medical expenses, birthmother’s counseling, airline tickets (at a moments notice), hotel, car rental.

We spent the next 75 days doing paperwork: financial paperwork, criminal background check, child abuse clearance, a full day seminar with a home study group, a social worker visited our house several times, we both had physicals, and we assembled our profile “book” to be sent out to birth mothers.

April 1 our book started going out.
One week no calls.
Two weeks go by no calls, three, four, five, six...
Every time the phone rings we jump.
At nine weeks a birth mother chose us. We had a conference call. We liked her. We decided to move forward with the match. She went to the doctor, heard the heart beat again and changed her mind.

Two weeks later another birthmother chose us. We had a conference call. We decided to move forward. Then we were given some additional information about the situation and decided not to pursue this situation.

We kept waiting. On September 14th we got the call. You’ve been chosen and her due date is November 7th—Kipp’s birthday. The sign we’d been wanting. She was having a boy and was due in 6 weeks.

We had the conference call.
We arranged to go meet the birthmother two weeks later.
We met her.
We liked her. She liked us.
We created a nursery.
We found nurses for when we came home---neither of us took a maternity/paternity leave since we knew we would have to be away for 2-3 weeks.
We stayed in touch with the birthmother.
We packed our bags.
We got the call the morning of October 29th.
We were able to get on a flight that left Philadelphia in 2 ½ hours.
A friend gave us a ride to the airport.
We arrived and rented a car.
We drove an hour to the hospital.
I was in the delivery room.
Our son was born.
We called the baby store and had them ship up the car seat and porta crib---the thought of traveling with these items and no baby yet was more than we could bear.
We stayed in the hospital for two nights.
The birth mother had 48 hours after his birth to change her mind.
We were all discharged and went to our hotel with Jake.
We lived in this hotel for three weeks while the legal work for both Maine and Pennsylvania was completed.
We couldn’t leave state lines for three weeks.
We rented our car for three weeks.
We had a dog sitter at home for three weeks.
We did laundry in communal coin-operated machines for three weeks.
Kipp’s company gave him three weeks leave with pay.
My clients were very kind while I was away.
We got a call one November afternoon telling us that we could come home.
We called the airline and were on a flight 1 ½ hours later.
We flew back to Philadelphia and we were home.

It took 46 months to have our first child.

Love much.
xob

My filing cabinet

It arrived the first week of December.

A hand-me-down from a friend.

It was so nice of her to think of me.

And we both knew the timing was terrible but she was moving.

I had the option to say no but didn't.

And most of the time it doesn't bother me.

But when people come over I see the "hopefulness" in their eyes and I have to explain.

I have to explain that just because there is a bassinet in the dining room there is no baby news.

And then I make them laugh because the bassinet has become a wonderful filing cabinet and is overflowing with files and mailing supplies for Helpusadopt.org.

We share an awkward laugh knowing the reality of the situation.......

And I say a silent prayer that someday......hopefully soon.....it will hold a sleeping baby.

Love much,
xob

It's not easy being green.....

It's ok.

Even I need a break from all the infertility talk. So I'll pick up next week where we left off.

Sometimes it's even hard for me to read "my story" again.

Sometimes I can't even believe I am still standing.

But I digress....

The point of today's post is to talk about how happy I am that it's OK to wear sequins during the day! This shirt is so ridiculous, so over the top and I love it.

Jake told me I was his "sparkly mommy" this morning.....

Who could ask for anything more.

Love much,

xob

My Journey to Become a Mother......Part Three

2004
4th cycle
We incurred the same cost plus $4,000 for acupuncture. We followed the same drug/injection protocol. There was a retrieval and transfer, just as before.
Two weeks later: Negative pregnancy test.
New development: Did produce enough good fertilized eggs for a frozen cycle.

5th cycle
I continued with acupuncture $4,000. Having a frozen cycle of eggs saves on both the doctors fee, lab charges and drugs. This time the cost was only $8,000 and slightly less invasive.
No retrieval necessary. Only a transfer.
Two weeks later: Positive pregnancy test.
Miscarried at 10 weeks. December 23rd 2004.

Total cost: $82,000 (after tax dollars)
We drained our savings.
We had just enough money left for an adoption.
It was time to become a mother.

Love much,
xob

My Journey to Become a Mother......Part Two

2nd cycle
We tried again 6 weeks later. We incurred the same cost. We followed the same drug/injection protocol. There was a retrieval and transfer, just as before.
Two weeks later: Negative pregnancy test.


3rd cycle
We took some time to unwind and tried again a few months later. We incurred the same cost. We followed the same drug/injection protocol. There was a retrieval and transfer, just as before.

Two weeks later: Positive pregnancy test. I was pregnant and the due date was my father’s birthday.

We had a miscarriage at 12 weeks the day before my 35th birthday.

Life was not turning out as I had imagined.

Love much,
xob

My Journey to Become a Mother......Part One

This is my story....

2002
After a year of trying to get pregnant at age 32, I asked my OBGYN if I should go see a fertility specialist. His answer was no. “Just relax and give it some time, maybe in another year if nothing happens,” he said. I went to the specialist anyway and it’s a good thing I did. Our infertility issues were so complicated that we skipped the use of oral stimulant drugs and inseminations and went straight to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We chose our infertility doctor by reputation. We had heard that he was aggressive in his practices and had a high rate of pregnancy, the fact that his office was two miles away would prove to be convenient when I started to have daily appointments/bloodwork/ultrasounds, sometimes five days in a row.

2003
1st cycle
Our first cycle cost $16,500 (Doctors fee $7,500, Lab fee $4,000, Drugs $5,000). Our insurance covered nothing.
The drugs (hormones and stimulants) gave me panic attacks.
The small shots (that Kipp administered) in my thighs gave me bruises.
The big shots (that Kipp administered) in the back of my hips made it hard to move and hard to stay still.
There were countless doctor visits, ultrasounds and blood work.
Once I was “stimulated” and had produced enough eggs, there was an “egg retrieval,” a surgical process.
The eggs were then fertilized and monitored in the lab. Not all of the fertilized eggs survive; the ones that do are transferred back inside. I was sent home for 24 hours of bed rest.
Two weeks later: Positive pregnancy test.
The next week we had an ultrasound and a due date.
A few weeks later we had a heartbeat.
At 12 weeks I was considered a “normal pregnant woman” and had seemingly cleared the danger zone.
We had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. Everyone knew.
To be continued......

Love much,
xob

Fishin' Nuggets

Otherwise known to you and me as fish sticks.

Tonight he ate four frozen "fishin' nuggets" for dinner.

I couldn't persuade him to warm them up.

It was v. reminiscent of the camouflage fiasco.

But I do love my son for marching to his own drum.

Love much,
xob

Another little fact about me.....

I still tear up when I think about the years leading up to Jake and his arrival into our lives.
Not a day goes by when I don't count my blessings.....

Love much,
xob

A little known fact about me.....

This afternoon we took Jake to a birthday party.

I always get a funny feeling in my stomach when it's cake time because I can not sing the song "Happy Birthday" to a child (any child) without tearing up.

I never realized what a poignant song it is and how truly significant it is to celebrate the birthday of a child ------ until I wanted what I couldn't have.

I thought it was just a one time occurrence at Jake's first birthday party----since it had been such an emotional journey.

But it didn't stop there.

It happens at every birthday party we go to.

So if we are ever together at a child's birthday party and it's cake time.....you'll have to pardon me as I cry my way through the song.

I'll try to stand in the back.

Love much,
xob

Almost an Elephant.....

This month I am entering my 20th month of "pregnancy" as we pursue our second adoption.

Some people don't get it when I say I am "20 months pregnant" and immediately look down at my flat stomach with a puzzled look on their face.

I am not trying to confuse -- only trying to put the adoption time frame into perspective.

According to the books, an elephant's gestation period lasts about 22 months and is the longest gestation period of any mammal -----apparently these researchers have yet to meet the "adoptive mother".

At this point, I am going to surpass the elephant's 22 months. And I do believe my ankles are beginning to swell.....

Love much,
xob

I've been there......

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Three friends having a drink.

Two friends start talking about having babies.

One friend wishing she wasn't part of the conversation.

Two friends start talking about their fears of actually being pregnant and then delivering their babies.

One friend wishing she could relate.

One friend thinking her fear is that she would never become pregnant. One friend hoping her silence didn't make her friends uncomfortable.

Now four+ years later my fears have shifted. I would be terrified if I ever "miraculously" became pregnant. My body has rejected that idea three times and I would never want to live through another miscarriage.

Plus, this infertile blonde learned that the rules of biology are not what define motherhood.

Love much,
xob

Oh My Jake......

One of the funny things about a three year old is that they really start to form their own opinions and become almost impossible to deal with when they have their mind set on something. Hmmmmmm........sound familiar? I wonder where he gets it?????

This morning as I was getting him dressed in his camouflage cargo pants Jake decided that the white shirt I had chosen to go with them "did not match" and he opened his dresser to pick out a camouflage waffle henley----"look mommy, this matches."

I can't fault him because it is indeed "a match" nor could I persuade him to change.

So my son has gone out for the day in head to toe camouflage that clearly does not match. I am sure more than one person will wonder "Who dressed that child????" Oh well, at least I didn't put him in his orange fleece.


Love much,
xob

My love affair with make up

I do believe it was 1994 and I was in NYC for the day with friends. We went to Bendel's and I was instantly drawn to a make up counter because the sales person told me it was relatively new and only available at Bendel's. The line was created by a spectacular woman named Trish McEvoy and I became a loyal devotee.

15 years later, I am still a devoted fan as are millions of other women because Trish McEvoy has taken the beauty world by storm!

But something has recently changed in our relationship---all of a sudden it's not so one-sided! I am truly humbled and honored that Trish and her team have become fans of Helpusaodpt.org ---I mean how lucky can a girl get?????

I was recently invited to a meeting at the Trish McEvoy offices and had the best time! First of all they are all so glamorous and truly nice! Second, they made me feel like a queen! I am a new woman outfitted with all new make up, one of their signature planners, two new yummy fragrances and a ton of my favorite candles ever!!!!!

To my new found friends at Trish McEvoy ---Thank you for believing in Helpusaodpt.org and I look forward to what the future holds! And thank you for helping me hide the dark circles under my eyes......

I am forever grateful for both.

And to my friends and readers---Please visit your local Trish McEvoy counter and tell them that An Infertile Blonde from Helpusaodpt.org sent you----and tell them to tell Trish.

Love much,
xob